Blog : October 2007

Only Words

Vague accuracies perplex the minds of those around me. Don't listen to what things were said. They're only words, they're only words.

Breaking My Balls

I had exactly one hour to get out and ride my bike today. About one quarter of the way into my ride I felt my bike get a bit unstable. Upon closer inspection I found that my rear tire was quickly deflating due to a puncture from a small spring. I rode back as far as I dared and walked another ten minutes or so to a bike shop near the bike path. It was fortunate enough that they were still open and, though it cost me a good penny, I was able to ride away on fully repaired and inflated tires.

On Monday I visited a urologist. No worries, everything is fine and functioning as normal as can be, if not exceptionally so. You see, I want to break what is already working. I am child-free and content, so I'm thinking about making this The Way Things Are. I have a few more pressing issues to deal with first, details of which are forthcoming. In the meantime, this just makes another doctor's appointment dealt with in the long list of doctor's appointments to deal with.

Last week I visited a general practice doctor who was kind enough to advise me that, when in good health, and as long as I keep an eye on bloodwork (cholesterol, diabetes, etc.), regular checkups can mean every few years. That sounds about right to me. Before the session was over he was handing me sample packs of Lexapro. All of my life I have struggled with gastrointestinal challenges with symptoms very much like those of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This kind doctor explained that some gastro issues are actually alleviated with anti-depressants, at which point he asked if I was depressed.

Uh...

So I told him a bit of my history and how, well, not fun the past few years have been. He then handed me a prescription.

But alas, I haven't started it and I'm not sure I want or need to. Sure, it would be nice if it helped to alleviate my gastro issues, but its just not the kind of commitment I'm ready for at the moment, if ever.

I've spent a large amount of time this week on installing, learning and configuring a new photo gallery software that seems to kick my current gallery software's ass in terms of features and flexibility. My plan is to move all of the existing photos on this site to the new gallery on my photography web site. Given some other things going on right now (details of which are forthcoming), I'll be elated to have it all up and running and published by the end of this year. The Photoblog will still live here, but I might move the Wallpapers over as well. Hmm...I should update the wallpapers sometime soon.

Oh, and tonight was 107.

Hello, 3:40am, how are you?

Well, Nevermind

I've been sitting here staring at a blank screen for a little while, but the words that are swimming around in my head just aren't coming out.

This is what 4:23am looks like.

Regarding This & That

Nights apparently aren't for sleeping. Instead, I'll use this one for blogging.

Regarding You:

What you need to know about me is that I am a very determined (read: stubborn) person. At this point, even if you told me to go away I likely won't. I've made up my mind.

Regarding oral wisdom:

About five years ago one of my wisdom teeth started coming in, the one on the bottom left to be exact. My dentist recommended I get it removed so as not to cause any problems in the future. I, of course, am stubborn, and if the tooth doesn't hurt, it doesn't warrant having someone rip my mouth to shreds removing useless teeth.

This year I made a goal to get a bunch of medical stuff out of the way. Visiting an oral surgeon for a second opinion was a part of this. Today I visited an oral surgeon with a fresh panoramic x-ray in hand and asked him if I should have my wisdom teeth removed.

The short version is that he doesn't see any need to remove the teeth at this time. He said that as long as the tooth that has grown in is maintained and remains cavity-free I should be OK. It's not bothering my other teeth and it doesn't cause me any pain. As for the impacted teeth, well, they seem to be OK as well.

Other reasons for not removing the teeth at this time? The roots of the bottom right tooth appear to go down past the nerve that runs through my jaw. It is difficult to tell in a two-dimensional image whether the root runs through the roots or around. Worst case, the surgeon would pull the tooth and cause nerve damage, leaving me with a numb or tingling sensation in my jaw and lips for an unknown amount of time, perhaps permanently.

The roots of the top teeth extend perilously close to my sinus cavities. He said there is a chance that pulling those teeth could pull a gap through to the sinuses, something that would be remedied with sutures, but something that would take some time to heal and would require me to refrain from blowing my nose or sneezing while the wounds heal.

Ew.

I'm keeping my wisdom teeth until I have absolutely no other choice than to have them removed. If all goes well, I'll die with them all in place. New goal: die before my wisdom teeth need to be removed.

Regarding health & wellness:

I made another goal this year to work myself into six-pack abs this summer. Alas, summer is over and I only made it to a four-pack. But still, I'm rather pleased with my slimmer, toned self and am now working on a plan for continuing to work out through the harsh Chicago winter that soon to strike. My regimen for the summer was mostly biking and occasional running, all outdoors. I'll either be acquiring some winter workout clothes or joining a gym for a few months.

I'm in the best shape that I can ever remember being in, I don't really want to lose that just yet.

Regarding going fast:

I got up to 105mph this week. That was fast. Former record for me was 100mph. My car also just turned 91,000 miles tonight.

Regarding everything else:

Lots of change going on right now, all good. Also lots that I've been pondering sharing in this here blog about the events of 2007, but I believe I shall attempt sleep now instead. 3:24am seems like a good time to attempt sleep.

I Wish You Could

You don't hear the words you're saying
You can't fix the pain you're feeling
I wish you could
I wish you could

The world around you has not changed
The thoughts inside have rearranged
You're not alone, you think you are
It isn't true, I'm not that far

You don't hear the words you're saying
You can't fix the pain you're feeling
I wish you could
I wish you could

Storm clouds hover overhead
Lightning strikes, the sky is red
Your voice sings through the poetry
I wish you could take more from me

You don't hear the words you're saying
You can't fix the pain you're feeling
I wish you could
I wish you could

No Kidding

My dentist laughed when when I told him I shoot boudoir photography. He thought I was kidding.

30 Days of Night

Who wants to go see 30 Days of Night with me? I'm more excited about this than Saw IV which, quite frankly, I doubt I'll even rent on DVD...it's done been did.

Conclusion the First

I am not the same person I was just a few years ago. I am definitely not the same person I was 10 years ago. The number 10 has been running laps in my mind incessantly this year as it has been 10 years since I graduated from college. I've been taking inventory over and over trying to understand what exactly it is that I have accomplished in that time. And to make matters even more difficult, I've been trying to understand just what exactly it will be that I accomplish in the next 10 years.

Why does it matter?

In a phone conversation with a friend this week I was able to reach a variety of conclusions on a variety of topics. I did not, however, take the time to make note of these conclusions so I am now left to fill in some of the gaps in my foggy memory. But one thing I do feel confident about is the fact that, at the age of 32 it is about damn time that I begin to draw some conclusions about things that have been open ended in my mind for some time.

Let's take, for example, religious beliefs. I was raised to believe things that I now do not believe. I was programmed from an early age to believe there is a god. Now? I do not believe there is a god. In fact, I believe there are many gods. There are as many gods as there are people who believe in a god or gods. Whether or not a god exists is not the point. Whether or not there is someone who believes in a god or gods is the point. Without someone to believe in a god, there is no god.

Sure, ask the question...if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it does it make a sound? Of course it does. You can prove that there is a tree in the forest. And you can prove that falling trees make sound, regardless of the presence of ears. You can't prove there is a god.

Oddly enough, some of the kindest and most generous people I've met in life have been those with no religious background or beliefs, whereas those who live and breathe religion are either more mean and spiteful or just plain hypocritical.

I do not fault anyone for believing what they want to believe. In fact, I prefer that people believe what they want to believe, whatever it takes to get them through to the next day. I begin to have problems when people decide that what they believe is also what I should believe. They should respect my decision as I respect theirs. We can simply agree to disagree.

I believe that there are those in this world who need to believe in something bigger than themselves, something over which they have no control and to which they can give those things over which they have no control. Somehow it is what helps them survive in this life.

Where does this leave me, and what purpose does this rambling serve? I consider myself a realist (I'm sure there's a better term for what I'm about to describe). If I can see it, or if something makes logical sense, or if something can be proven, then I'll likely believe it. But how anyone can declare their beliefs and their god to be the be-all, end-all answer to everything and everyone and declare everyone else's god to be false, especially without any kind of tangible proof...I will probably never understand.

This wasn't intended to be a religious post, but religion is a strong component of what has made me who I am today. And as I mentioned above, it's about damn time I start making some conclusions, and this is one of them. I do not believe what I was raised to believe. In fact, I wrote a song about it seven years ago. It's just taken me this long to feel strongly enough in my own convictions to make such a declaration.

I woke up this morning
I felt I had nothing more to say (more to say)
I wasn't sure if
I'd reached my final destination (end of the line)

Is there something more?

Is there something more?
Is there something I'm missing (something that I cannot see)?

I woke up this morning
I felt I had nothing more to say (more to say)
I wasn't sure if
I believed everything that I'd been told (spoon-fed for life)

Lies!

Is there something more?
Is there something I'm missing (something that I cannot see)?

I woke up this morning
I felt I had nothing more to say (more to say)
I finally realized
I believed nothing of what I'd been told (freed my mind)

Set my mind at ease.

Is there something more?
Is there something I'm missing (something that I cannot see)?

Nuisance

Sometimes (often) I feel more like a nuisance to people than a help of any sort.

Hello Nighttime

Sleep does not come easily for me these days. I'd be concerned if it were just in the recent few days, but it's pretty much standard operating procedure for me to struggle to fall asleep and then stay asleep.

So here I am, 3:24am, and I'm awake in a quiet and dark world.

I posted some new photos in my Photoblog.